My Obituary

One of my classes this semester is an online course which teaches more in-depth journalism techniques than the regular newspaper. In newspaper, the focus is more on experience, and the business of making a paper sometimes pushes back the actual "learning the trade" part of the class. The online course is designed to pick up the slack and is much more focused on techniques and tricks of the trade. Anyway, our first real writing assignment was to write our own obituary. That may sound a little morbid, but our teacher explained that most universities will assign it to us anyway.

Do you know how intensely boring most obituaries are? Usually it's the same words used over and over with different names. Sure, occasionally you might find one that really portrays a person's life, but they're rare. Writing a 200-300 word self death notice was none too interesting to me. So I did what anyone with an artistic license and an imagination would do. I had fun with it. I may have had a little too much fun, in fact. By the time I was finished with it, I decided that I would put it up here for you guys to see as well. Please bear in mind that I have no intention for my actual obituary to look like this. This is just the product of someone desperate to add interest to a potentially dreary project:

The church bell is greeted with jubilant cheers. So ends the funeral for Seth Houston, journalist and respected member of society.

Seth Houston was born and raised in the small town of Laurel, Mississippi. After graduating from Jones County Junior College, Houston moved out of the state for legal reasons. He soon began travelling the country on a journey to gain experience in his chosen profession, journalism. “He moved around a lot to hide from the law,” Sheriff Ted E. Bear said. “It’s a good thing he died when he did, because he was running out of places to go.” The entire police force attended the funeral to pay their respects. “I had to make sure he was really dead,” said Bear after respectfully spitting on the coffin.

Houston was preceded in death by his mother and father, who died of natural causes after reading a newspaper article celebrating their son’s community-centered activities.

Houston leaves behind two brothers and four sisters, as well as a loving wife, Caroline. “The scoundrel left after the first month,” she said, the tender emotion evident in her voice. “Nobody could find him, so I couldn’t even get a proper divorce.”

Houston was found in a warehouse, the victim of a tragic gang shooting. He was 35. “It just goes to show that even common thugs have a sense of decency,” said Bear. 

Houston’s grieving wife also had words to affirm his strong character. “He’s lucky the gang got to him before I did,” she said.

Many friends of the deceased from across the country turned out for Houston’s funeral, escorted by their local prison guards. Other than a small cheering section, it was evident that Houston will be missed by many.
S.D.G.