Ladies, are you in a relationship and want to know how committed your guy is to you? If you see the possibility of marriage in your future, it’s a legitimate concern, considering the high divorce rate right now. So, how can you take steps to verify the strength of your relationship? Clearly, the answer is to observe how commitment has been modeled to him by looking at his friends’ relationships, the relationships of authority figures in his life, and especially how committed his parents are to each other. Then, if you think he has been implicitly taught a poor model of how relationships should work, suggest talking together to wise people you trust about the importance of commitment for your relationship completely fry your boyfriend’s confidence and break his heart by subjecting him to a test he doesn't even realize is happening.
You see it all the time in chick flicks. To see if there is really something to their relationship, the woman will walk away, only to be passionately pursued by her lover and swept off her feet. Then, assured of his undying love and commitment, she lives happily ever after. Great idea, right? Except it’s terrible. I realize that not all girls use the commitment test, so please don't think this article is meant to apply to all women. That being said, from least to most important, here are five reasons why "the test" is a terrible idea.
1. No one likes tests. Depending on how far along you are in your education, you’ve probably taken dozens or even hundreds of tests. Out of all of them, how many did you enjoy? Here’s something else to think about. What is the worst kind of test? Undoubtedly the surprise kind. Nothing is worse than taking a test you weren’t allowed to know about or study for. The commitment test is even worse than that, because the guy usually doesn’t know it’s going on until it’s over. It’s a pass/fail surprise test with no prep and he’s not even allowed to know what’s being tested.
2. Sometimes it’s not a test. Let’s say a guy has seen The Notebook and is smart enough to know that girls sometimes leave to see if their guy will come after them. What might his thought process be when his girlfriend genuinely decides to break up with him? Most likely, he’ll end up causing both her and himself a lot more pain than is necessary because he thinks he’s “passing the test.”
3. Good guys won’t pass the test. It’s completely fair, in fact it’s downright essential, for girls to expect some things from their boyfriends. Men should treat women as fellow creatures made in the image of God and deserving of the same kind of respect they would give to anyone else. Going even further, Christian men are called to love self-sacrificially, putting to death their own desires and interests and giving priority to God first, then others. The problem is that guys who know and do this don’t pass the commitment test. Part of what it means to genuinely respect another person is to let them abide by their own decisions. So then, even if a guy feels heartbroken and doesn’t want a girl to leave, if he respects her he will let her make her own decision. If he is a Christian who loves self-sacrificially, then he will feel doubly guilty if he puts his own desires ahead of those of someone he claims to love, and will let a woman walk away in order to put her interests ahead of his own. On the flip side, women should beware of men who value their own desires and pursue women who have stated they want to be left alone (whether those women meant it or not). This kind of behavior indicates that the man doesn’t really care so much about what his girlfriend wants, but is more interested in what will make he himself happiest.
4. The test depends on deceiving someone you claim to love. If the guy knows what’s going on, the commitment test won’t give a true result. Therefore, the only way it can work is through making him think something that isn’t true. Even if the guy “passes,” it’s likely that he’ll feel betrayed in some sense because of his girlfriend’s dishonesty.
5. There are better ways to find out how committed a man is likely to be. For instance, you could observe how commitment has been modeled for him by looking at his friends’ relationships, the relationships of authority figures in his life, and especially how committed his parents are to each other. Then, if you think he has been implicitly taught a poor model of how relationships should work, suggest talking together to wise people you trust about the importance of commitment for your relationship. If he’s not interested in having a conversation about it, then you’ve got a big red flag already. You are far more likely to learn what he thinks about commitment by asking him directly and by examining the kinds of relationships he has seen growing up than by any other method.
I can already hear the “but it’s so much more romantic” rebuttal brewing in the minds of female readers. My only reply is to say that maybe we need a better conception of romance; one that is rooted in honesty, openness, respect, and fairness.
You see it all the time in chick flicks. To see if there is really something to their relationship, the woman will walk away, only to be passionately pursued by her lover and swept off her feet. Then, assured of his undying love and commitment, she lives happily ever after. Great idea, right? Except it’s terrible. I realize that not all girls use the commitment test, so please don't think this article is meant to apply to all women. That being said, from least to most important, here are five reasons why "the test" is a terrible idea.
1. No one likes tests. Depending on how far along you are in your education, you’ve probably taken dozens or even hundreds of tests. Out of all of them, how many did you enjoy? Here’s something else to think about. What is the worst kind of test? Undoubtedly the surprise kind. Nothing is worse than taking a test you weren’t allowed to know about or study for. The commitment test is even worse than that, because the guy usually doesn’t know it’s going on until it’s over. It’s a pass/fail surprise test with no prep and he’s not even allowed to know what’s being tested.
2. Sometimes it’s not a test. Let’s say a guy has seen The Notebook and is smart enough to know that girls sometimes leave to see if their guy will come after them. What might his thought process be when his girlfriend genuinely decides to break up with him? Most likely, he’ll end up causing both her and himself a lot more pain than is necessary because he thinks he’s “passing the test.”
3. Good guys won’t pass the test. It’s completely fair, in fact it’s downright essential, for girls to expect some things from their boyfriends. Men should treat women as fellow creatures made in the image of God and deserving of the same kind of respect they would give to anyone else. Going even further, Christian men are called to love self-sacrificially, putting to death their own desires and interests and giving priority to God first, then others. The problem is that guys who know and do this don’t pass the commitment test. Part of what it means to genuinely respect another person is to let them abide by their own decisions. So then, even if a guy feels heartbroken and doesn’t want a girl to leave, if he respects her he will let her make her own decision. If he is a Christian who loves self-sacrificially, then he will feel doubly guilty if he puts his own desires ahead of those of someone he claims to love, and will let a woman walk away in order to put her interests ahead of his own. On the flip side, women should beware of men who value their own desires and pursue women who have stated they want to be left alone (whether those women meant it or not). This kind of behavior indicates that the man doesn’t really care so much about what his girlfriend wants, but is more interested in what will make he himself happiest.
4. The test depends on deceiving someone you claim to love. If the guy knows what’s going on, the commitment test won’t give a true result. Therefore, the only way it can work is through making him think something that isn’t true. Even if the guy “passes,” it’s likely that he’ll feel betrayed in some sense because of his girlfriend’s dishonesty.
5. There are better ways to find out how committed a man is likely to be. For instance, you could observe how commitment has been modeled for him by looking at his friends’ relationships, the relationships of authority figures in his life, and especially how committed his parents are to each other. Then, if you think he has been implicitly taught a poor model of how relationships should work, suggest talking together to wise people you trust about the importance of commitment for your relationship. If he’s not interested in having a conversation about it, then you’ve got a big red flag already. You are far more likely to learn what he thinks about commitment by asking him directly and by examining the kinds of relationships he has seen growing up than by any other method.
I can already hear the “but it’s so much more romantic” rebuttal brewing in the minds of female readers. My only reply is to say that maybe we need a better conception of romance; one that is rooted in honesty, openness, respect, and fairness.
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